pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

What does this mean? "Pain" is the automatic involuntary feeling you get when something hurtful happens. If you hit me in the arm, if you say something cruel to me, when someone I love dies, I will feel pain. Pain is a normative and unavoidable part of living in this world if you intend to love and attach to others. It is a testament to your connection that you feel pain when something ends. This is not, in my opinion, a "bad" or "unhealthy" thing.

But "suffering" is optional. Suffering is defined as what we tell ourselves about the pain. If I respond to hurt by saying, "I'm a victim," or "This means I can never love again," or "this shouldn't be happening," then you will indeed experience suffering in the forms of depression, anger, anxiety, hopelessness, despair. It is unlikely that you will allow yourself to live life to the fullest and have pleasurable and new experiences if you hold on to these beliefs.

Pain is usually out of your control. Choosing not to suffer is your responsibility. If you decide you want to blame people for your emotional state, that is indeed an option. It may cost you your physical and emotional health, but hey, at least you'll have a villain for your storyline.